I'm not as tough as I think...Or am I?
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Snow Patrol, "Chasing Cars"
Topic: Emily's Strength

I have reason to believe that I am quite the walking contradiction.

Earlier, I was greatly ashamed of myself for being such a wuss. There I was, writing blogs like crazy (okay, more like one), criticizing and stereotyping a great deal of people with my arrogant words, assuming that the people whom this blog was aimed at would certainly never catch wind of such distasteful writing.

However, shortly after writing the blog, I received a friend request from one of these people. I found this quite odd. I had reached this person's profile through a lengthy series of other people. In fact, this person lives on the other side of the country, and would really have no reason to even glance at my profile. Sure, I looked at hers and based a large portion of my criticisms on her page and all of her friends', but what are the chances of both of us randomly coming across one another's profiles?

I have come to the conclusion that, for some reason, she discovered my eerily familiar profile descriptions in my blog through that lengthy series of friends. Of course, I'm being paranoid (which is why I made my MySpace blog available to a preferred list only), but seriously...what are the chances of me writing about some girl who lives across the country, only for her to attempt to add me as a friend only a day or two later? Weeeeird. I'm guessing I shouldn't have been as specific in my writing...

Anyway, to my point.

I freaked out when I got this friend request (which I haven't yet approved nor disapproved; it's simply sitting there like an angry little fellow in such a manner that angry little fellows typically sit). I made my blog more private, with the odd feeling that I was putting a lock on my diary. (Those locks are crap. My brother ALWAYS got through them.) I immediately thought "WUSS!" of myself and realized that I can talk or write all the crap I want about anyone else, but when it comes to them finding out about it or a confrontation - I melt like a stick of butter in the microwave and I am terrified.

I was quite upset over my wussiness, even thinking to myself, "Man, I should write a blog about what a weakling I am."

Now that's something.

In fact, I'm even thinking about what a wuss I am now for assuming this girl is "on to me", when I'm sure that she isn't because my profile is private. Hey, doesn't that mean it would be impossible for her to read my blog unless the blog was copied and pasted and sent through that line of friends?

Meh. How silly I feel. What wild assumptions I make. Paranoid? Yes.

Anyway, that was an excellent example of my wussiness. I did, however, recognize the amount of strength that I have gained in the last couple of years, and that's where me being a walking contradiction comes into play.

I used to be intimidated by everyone, and I mean everyone. I thought that I was crap compared to everyone else. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and I thought absolutely nothing of myself. I couldn't stand up for myself, say anything, do anything, because I thought that everyone else was better than me, resulting in me being intimidated by the world.

Pretty sad, eh?

I have grown in strength so much since then. There are a select few who intimidate me now, and I am even getting past that. I don't have problems talking to certain people; I am able to talk to nearly everyone. I have a much higher opinion of myself and I am so much more confident. I have recently been reflecting on my achievements regarding strength and confidence, and based upon those achievements, I don't seem like much of a wuss.

Wuss? Strong bitch? Confident? Weakling? Not sure what to think of myself at this point.

I guess you could say that I've learned how to talk to more people and how to be less intimidated by everyone, but I still haven't reached the point of confrontation. I've gotten a lot stronger, yet I'm still a wuss in some aspects. Yes, I'm a walking contradiction, but honestly - who is either a completely strong person or a total wuss? Even if you are seemingly totally strong, you still have some weaknesses, and a weak person still has that ounce of strength.

Now, on to the next thing that suggests I'm nothing but a huge clump of contradictions...